Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
You Might Also Like
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Beards are a privilege, not a right
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.