If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Shark week, but for squirrels.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?