If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
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Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Good news
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows