I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”