If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa