Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
there’s probably a fee though
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Oh thanks BBC.
Only short people can save us
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao