2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*