I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
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BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.