Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
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Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
When you’re here for the treats.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”