[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
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Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.