Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
You Might Also Like
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
This is my cat’s medicine.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Scream sneezers need love too.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
This will never not be funny 😭
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
boat question
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand