Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
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nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
motivation
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…