My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around