My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Everyone’s family
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station