Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
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Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god