Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Who did it better?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself