As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook