Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
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[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty