HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
You Might Also Like
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
early stone age tool
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
School be like
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win