There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
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“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
WWE is French for “yes”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Yes, this is exactly right
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back