My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Namaste
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
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