Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
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You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.