[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.