If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN