I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
God has left this place
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.