“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
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Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
This January has 47 Mondays
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent