Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
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I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street