Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Autocorrect completely socks
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!