(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil