LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
You Might Also Like
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.