Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
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Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I need better friends
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?