Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf