I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
those birds must be on payroll
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Vodka burrito was a success
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁