If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Muppet Screams
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.