I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
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*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head