Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”