FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
#JohnTravolta
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.