The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
The photographer’s assistant
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.