BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
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My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde