Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
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Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.