Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
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I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.