[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
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Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
channeling her this year
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.