If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
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“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Holy shit he’s back
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.