I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
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The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.