Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
How wrong was this guy?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.