OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
You Might Also Like
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Generation gap…
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting