I have so many questions.
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Hey i am sexy to you now
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up