You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I feel attacked.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.