[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
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The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.