I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.